ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a
noun
- extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving one’s own home, or of being in places from which escape is difficult.
I bet you didn’t know that I have agoraphobia. But why would you? I’m an outgoing person who is usually the life of the party. I volunteer my time and talents for many events and love to entertain. I’ve lived in foreign lands and am now an experienced international traveler. It might come as a surprise when I tell you that I’ve done all of this within a constant state of fear and anxiety.
Until recently, I didn’t know that there was a word for the kind of fears I face every day. Here are a few things that have made my life miserable since I was a kid: fear of the dark especially dark open doorways, fear of empty buildings, fear of crowded buildings, social anxieties of every kind, paranoia about being stalked or followed, fear of the unknown and every possible “what if” scenario. These are broad categories of normal anxiety that most people have to deal with in their lives, but the difference for me is that these intangible dangers become real and tangible in my mind. My imagination comes up with new and terrible ways for me to be in danger when I leave my house and those fears manifest physically in my body. The hair on my neck prickles, my muscles tense, my heart races and I can “feel” things reaching out to grab me from just out of the corner of my eye.
My worst episode of irrational fear happened when I was in elementary school. We were driving home late from some family function and we were listening to talk radio on the way. The story they told was about a woman who was attacked by a mountain lion near her home. She was stalked and hunted in the same way that I felt hunted by unseen monsters. I thought that all lions lived in Africa faaaar away from me, so it was a shock to find out that scary predators were living in my back yard. I became fixated on the possibility of this creature hunting me. My obsession intensified over the next few hours as we drove home, tension ever rising in my chest. We made it home and it was time for the usual routine of brushing one’s teeth and heading for bed. Alone in the bathroom I could feel this invisible lion at my back and in the corners of my vision. I knew it wasn’t real, but the sensations in my body were very real. I found comfort in standing up on the toilet and told myself that the lion couldn’t get me up there…but then I couldn’t get down. I began to cry, feeling so foolish and so scared and so convinced that harm waited for me on the bathroom floor. Eventually my siblings needed to use the bathroom and they hollered for my parents. Two very tired and frustrated adults opened the door to find me screaming and crying about an invisible mountain lion. They told me to cut it out and come down, which I did want to do, but I had become convinced that I might die if I did.
You can imagine how the situation was resolved. I was yelled at for being irrational and they dragged me down to the reality that waited for me on the bathroom floor. I thought I was going to pass out, but I didn’t. I thought I would be ripped to shreds by sharp claws, but I wasn’t. The anxiety was replaced by waves and waves of shame. My siblings laughed at me for being afraid of an imaginary animal and my parents were fed up with my over-active imagination. Their reactions were like buckets of cold rational water and I never wanted to get carried away like that again. I still wasn’t convinced that monsters were not hiding somewhere just out of sight, but maybe I could learn to tame them or befriend them.
This began little Georgia’s quest to tame her fears. I started building the coping mechanisms I needed to overcome the paranoia. I really put the work in! But as I grew up my monsters transformed from invisible mountain lions to more realistic fears. Was I good enough? Can I make friends? Will I ever get a job or succeed in my studies or be able to live on my own? As a kid Jesus had always been my most powerful invisible friend–because he’s not imaginary. The real and true power of the Holy Spirit was often the only comfort I could find as I waged unseen battles in my mind. And as I grew older my dependence on Jesus grew as well. More and more I asked God to intervene against my fears. I was tired of being anxious and overwhelmed. I was tired of feeling useless or powerless against my own imagination. I was in a battle against myself every day and no one could walk inside my mind to help me. But I was raised in the church and I studied my Bible a whole lot. I read verse after verse telling me that a life with Jesus was a life without fear. Here are just a few:
Psalms 34:4 “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Philippians 4:6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Oh man, how I wanted these verses to be true for me! I remember crying out in desperation to Jesus as a 7th grader begging him to take my fears away. I was believing in a miracle and I knew that it was possible in that instant for my constant anxiety to vanish…but it didn’t. I wasn’t sure what God was up to. I didn’t want to live this way for the rest of my life. I tried to shield myself by embracing my imaginary world. I began writing stories, building fantastic adventures in my mind and creating homes for the monsters to live peacefully. If I could control the narrative then maybe nothing could hurt me. But I am prone to having vivid nightmares. Scary dreams fueled my fears with new material every time I slept. I felt unsafe day or night, awake or sleeping.
Still, I tried to emulate the mindset and behavior of someone who wasn’t afraid. My brother Kevin was my greatest ally in this fight. He encouraged me to be strong and pushed me to set new goals for myself. Fighting my fears one at a time was so difficult. No matter how much progress I thought I was making, there was always something new to learn about and something new to become afraid of. The world is a big place with lots of people in it and there’s too many variables to consider. It didn’t help that I get anxious in crowds and typically I don’t feel welcome or safe around other people.
Being a kid isn’t something you can do at home, after all. Every parent searches for ways to get their kids out of the house with an active social life. My family was no different. I was always having my resolve tested. Man was I tired–and the shame was so heavy on my shoulders. Once again I found myself alone in my room crying to Jesus for rescue, and this time I was a little angry too. I wanted to rip my fears to shreds once and for all. Instead of taming them, or finding boxes to put them in, I turned to face my monsters head on. I wanted to destroy them. In that moment I felt a rush of encouragement from the Holy Spirit and a whole list of Scriptures came to mind.
Philippians 4:13 “I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
Romans 8:37-39 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”
Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
2 Samuel 22:33 “It is God who arms me with strength and keeps my way secure.”
I was being told again and again by God, “You can fight and you can win. My strength is your strength. The Almighty One, the Creator of the Universe, the One True God is at your back. Keep trusting in me. I am with you in your scariest moments.” I started to understand that my anxieties would not be removed, but that Jesus had an even better miracle prepared for me. I was going to live alongside my fear and this crucible would reshape the very character of my soul. Without fear it is impossible to be courageous. Jesus knew that I would need a lot of courage in order to fulfill my calling as an adult. I would need a lot of practice walking into the unknown and into scary places where people are hurting the most.
As I read these scriptures, I started to see the logic of God’s Word. The Bible has many “if, then” concepts. The message is very clear: if Jesus is who he says he is then I am free and safe and loved and protected and comforted and capable of a great many things. It became illogical to be afraid if Jesus was with me. Romans 8:31 says, “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”
As a 7th grader, I began to internalize and actualize the power of the Holy Spirit in my life. I memorized my first Bible verse, 2 Samuel 22:33. I liked it because it was short, the numbers were easy to remember and it didn’t have the word “fear” in it. I wanted to focus not on my monsters, but on the truth of my reality. I was going to take my Heavenly Father at his word and nothing visible or invisible could break God’s promises to me. I began to expect greatness from my life because a great and powerful person walked with me wherever I went.
Now comes a montage of a lot of hard choices and over compensation and the creation of a new persona that was capable of many things that my “real self” couldn’t handle. The total reshaping of one’s nature isn’t an instantaneous process. I created rules for myself about how to act in public, how to interact with authority and how to give the appearance of normalcy while my mind and body told me to run and hide. One of my rules was this, “The edge of fear is where growth happens. If you are afraid of something you should walk towards it.” I systematically did things that I didn’t want to do because the alternative was to stay home with my fear. Writing a “rule book” of normal behavior allowed me to find happiness and joy out in the world, and to become a person that others could look up to.
In high school and college I became the Georgia that is a leader and encourager and champion for the weak and fearful. I saw myself in others and rushed to their aid whenever possible. I became the kind of person that hears a man called Al Henson (founder of the Compassionate Hope Foundation) speak about the persecuted, the abandoned, the abused and I immediately jumped at the chance to fly across the world to rescue them.
But little did I know that deep down a terrified little girl still remained somewhere locked away in my heart. I had been over aggressive in my metamorphosis and gave myself no chance for rest or healing. There’s a lot of pain involved when you walk in the direction of every fear. I had also been holding on to the trauma of my little sister’s death. She passed away when I was 7 after three short years of life. When I was 15 my family moved away from my childhood home in Indiana; I lost all of my safe havens and social groups. My parents got divorced shortly after the move. Then came Kevin’s ten year fight with Schizophrenia and his suicide in 2020. Not all of my anxiety came from thin air; much of it was very real.
Losing Kevin started the coping-clock all over again. The hard work I put into facing my fears was all at once erased. My best friend and other half was gone. I had been codependent with Kevin to a depth that I didn’t fully understand until he wasn’t around to tell me what to do. The agoraphobia rushed full force back into my life. After all this time, I thought I had defeated my fears for good. But the phobia was still inside me and it needed to be dealt with again…and again. I felt so defeated, like I was standing on a toilet waiting for the mountain lion to come get me. Once again I cried out to Jesus for rescue. I tried coping like I had done in the past, willing myself to be strong out of sheer stubbornness. But the wounds of Kevin’s death were too deep and my brother had been my greatest ally in this fight. I felt truly alone now. Where was Jesus? When would my suffering end? When would that victory I read so much about in Scripture become my own? When would it actually be finished?
Since 2020 I have been hard at work rebuilding myself, redrawing my battle strategies and even rekindling the flame of my faith. I have been taken to the absolute edge of myself and very nearly jumped off that ledge. But my Heavenly Father is still with me, and it’s still illogical to be afraid. Though I was lost in the darkness I cried out for rescue and found comfort in the Jesus I have always known. It’s been a super tough four years. I spent two months confined to my apartment because of the panic attacks. I took medication and went to therapy, and for the first time I invited other people into my battles. I learned that it’s possible to fight your fears without fighting yourself. I settled my debt with my inner child and am allowing myself to rest and to ask for help when I need it.
I no longer believe that I must walk towards every single fear, even though I know that I am capable of facing all of them when the time comes. I give myself grace and mercy and I defend the boundaries I need to defend. Jesus has refined the fighter within me from a wrecking ball to a refined and purposeful hammer. I can beat back my fears with precision and the tools at my disposal are no longer a burden. Inviting others into this fight helps me feel known and has dissolved away the shame of not being “normal.” I learned that there are so many people who are just like me!
The path of a missionary is spreading out before me and I am fully aware of the trials and hardship that are waiting for me. I honestly didn’t know if I was capable of returning to the mission field because of how acutely it challenged my agoraphobia. I am quite literally the least qualified person to fly to the other side of the world and help anyone–but for those same reasons I am the most qualified.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Though I am constantly afraid of leaving my house, I am compelled by the love of Jesus to do so. Though I am continually challenged by large groups of people, I am compelled to tell everyone who will listen about the mission that lays before me. Though I am ever uncertain about the danger waiting for me in the unknown, I am compelled to walk face first into the darkness of mankind so that I may bring light to that darkness. Please come with me on this journey. Please help me fight these battles! There is an unacceptable number of lost and scared children in Thailand who are waiting for someone to rescue them. They need rescue not from invisible dangers but from incredibly tangible ones. Their lives are at risk and they face fears every day that I can’t even imagine. Together we can change their stories! We can intervene when they need it most and set them on a path of victory and healing.
If you are fighting invisible battles, I hope that my story has helped in some way. There is hope in the fight, but only Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, can walk into your mind to help you win the unseen war. Reading and memorizing Scripture is your sharpest weapon. Taking Jesus at his word is your strongest shield.
Please reach out to me if you are feeling lost and I will guide you to the Scriptures that have helped me. I will pray with you and encourage you. I will remind you that you are God’s child and if you want to rest in the palm of his hand you can. God will not kidnap you into a loving relationship with him. It’s something you have to choose for yourself and his hand is always open.
If you need therapeutic intervention today, I recommend Boundless Hope (https://www.boundlesshope.net/). I went through their EMDR or “brainspotting” program and it was instrumental in helping me come to terms with some of my experiences.
You are an important part of this world. Don’t let grief and pain hold you back forever and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Shame is a liar and you are worthy of redemption. In Thai we say “su su!” which means: keep fighting!